the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize