I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
