I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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