And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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