4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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