You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
