why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
