there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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