I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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