he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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