the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize