Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We are two peas in an std pod
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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