I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
