i was born a porn star she said
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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