Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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