I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
