phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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