I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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