make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
