I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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