He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
