I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Sorry about my life...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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