i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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