I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
My hand turned me down
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
