Me too!
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
