The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
