The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
