Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
