i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
