The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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