Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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