Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
