Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize