You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
