If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I stole a fireplace last night.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
