dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize