my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
