Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
