she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
