I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
