I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
