you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
