I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
