Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
what day is it and did you see me today?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
