So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You can't motorboat a personality
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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