I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i dont even know how to be here
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
