Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
