So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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