Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
