a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
