if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
there's paper in my vomit.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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