I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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