You smell like stripper and shame
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
The struggles of a small town man whore
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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