You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
