I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
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