I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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