i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
