I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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