had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
