He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize