It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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